Thank you Guilt for showing up in my life!

Why is knowing your values a key component in understanding your emotions? I have been thinking about this question since I taught a recent social emotional lesson to my kids. As part of the DBT Skills Training and Emotional Problem Solving for Adolescents (DBT STEPS-A) curriculum, I taught them why it’s important to identify their values and how to determine if their behaviors are in line with those values.

Basically, the more a person’s behaviors align with their values, the more likely they are to feel joy and contentment in the future. We worked on identifying their top 3 values and different goals that aligned with each. It was a fun exercise during this COVID-19 experience as we are trying to accumulate more positive experiences and emotions both daily and in the long-term. As discussions went on throughout the week, we started talking about what happens when you have competing values and how that can cause increased guilt over time. For example, what happens when you value “achieving things” AND you value “relationships”? You have a big assignment or task due and it is your best friend’s birthday celebration at the same time. Do you do your assignment, or do you go to the celebration?

Most often, no matter which one you choose you end up feeling guilty, so you might think you made the wrong decision. In an earlier lesson to our kids, we taught them that feeling guilty makes sense when you engaged in some type of behavior or decision that goes against your own values.

““...my work is not about the money, it’s about my values, my passion, and my purpose.””

We often rationalize to ourselves or others why we shouldn’t be feeling guilty about having to make those hard choices between competing values, OR we get caught up in not understanding why we feel so guilty when we "know” we made the right choice. The reality is that it makes perfect sense to feel guilty when you choose one value over another. Guilt reminds us about what is important in our lives and how we need to keep paying attention to our values. The key is remembering that you chose to prioritize one value over another because of the importance of the immediate goal.

Here’s another example. My two highest values are family and contributing to the greater community. I have a wonderful husband and three great kids AND I am passionate about the work I do building mental wellness and emotional resilience in youth. I travel a lot for work, supporting schools around the world implementing the DBT STEPS-A curriculum. These two competing values of family and work can lead to some serious mom guilt. And, while I don’t love feeling guilty, I would never want that guilt to go away. You heard me, guilt is useful! In this situation I believe that guilt makes sense. I have guilt because I am away from my kids and not able to put them in front of everything else so I can go do the work that is so important to me. If my work was just about making money, I could easily expand my private practice an only work during school hours.

But, my work is not about the money, it’s about my values, my passion, and my purpose. If I didn’t value family as much as I do, I might come home from my work trips and not dive in 100% to participating fully with my family, making the most out of the time we have together. Or instead of only traveling 1-2 times per month, I might travel 3 or more times per month. The guilt I feel for missing family time, is what keeps me so connected to my family. Here’s when guilt doesn’t work: if my guilt is so intense that it makes me feel horrible and instead of coming home and fully engaging with my family, I start hiding and avoiding them. Then I have a problem. I want to have just enough guilt so that when I am home I am making my family a priority. Further, I acknowledge the ways in which I try to balance work and family. For example, I don’t plan trips for the first two weeks of the school year or the last two weeks of the school year. I don’t plan trips for the weekends of my kids’ school plays or dance recitals. I do my best to not miss the big things when I can. When I am home on the weekends, I make almost every soccer game, cross country/track meet, volleyball game or softball game AND we have 3 kids, so sometimes there are 3-5 soccer games a weekend!

So, here is what I want you to do for yourself and with your kiddos. First, make a list of your values and highlight your top 3 -5 entries. Then, ask yourself, “Am I currently living in line with my values?” Next, identify what things you would like to be doing differently (aka goals) to live in line with your values and then make a plan to start working toward those goals. Second, identify any times you have experienced situations in which you had competing values and if you felt guilt for the choices you made. Please give yourself some grace and self-compassion. Being all things to all people (including yourself) is really hard. Still, it is important to identify the choices you made in prioritizing one value over the other. Is your list bankalanced for the most part? If the answer is no, consider setting new goals to work toward to finding more balance. If it is balanced or when it becomes balanced, then say thank you to your guilt for helping you to prioritize the important things in your life!